We all want to be effective in our lives. Being effective means being skillful in our relationships and tasks while acting in alignment with our values, goals and aspirations. Our values are guided by our insight and understanding. One important insight is the importance of acceptance. Many of us struggle with this concept. Many people equate acceptance with passivity, or resignation.
Before we can know what we can change, and what we can not, we have to know what is. Then we have to decide if we can change it. As the Serenity Prayer beseeches, “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Acceptance means knowing what is. It doesn’t mean we have to like it. Once we know how things are now, we then have to decide how much energy we want to expend railing against the way things are in this moment or were in the last moment.
For example, let’s say you are on the way to an appointment and there is a traffic jam on the highway. Your first reaction is likely to be feeling frustrated or angry because your goal of being on time is being blocked. So, in the moment after your initial conditioned reaction, you have a choice. You get to choose how to react to what is. You may try to see what you can change, so you look to see if you can make it to an exit to get out of the jam. But, you can’t. You then get to decide if you want to accept the aspects of the situation you can not change, such as the traffic or if you want to expend energy on non-acceptance, judgement and anger. You may want to rail against city traffic planners and other drivers. That isn’t going to be very effective in changing the situation of the moment, but it will raise your blood pressure and stress level. If you have a goal of being healthy and happy, that choice is counterproductive. You may want to work for better traffic management in the future.
Or, you could choose to change the one thing you always can control, your attitude. I want to share a real life example. I have lived in the Atlanta area for many years. Atlanta has a lot of heavy traffic and the interstates are used every day by commuters. One day, I was on my way somewhere and I got caught in a traffic jam. We were at a dead standstill. In years past, I have gotten angry and cursed, hitting the steering wheel at times like this. This particular time, however, I had been practicing mindfulness and acceptance. I looked to see if I could get off the highway. I could not. I happened to also be listening to a dharma talk by Zen Master Thich Nhat Hahn. So, I put my car in park and listened. Probably five minutes later, I laughed at something my teacher said on the recording. I then glanced over to the car next to me. The man in that car was clutching his wheel and scowling. I thought, “I’m glad I’m me right now!” I was practicing acceptance of the things I could not change.
I’ll give you another example of acceptance. Let’s say you rented an office and you told the building manager you wanted them to tear down a wall between two spaces. They agreed to do it. You got in the office and the wall was still there. You accept that the wall is there. You may not like that it is. You would likely feel frustrated and wonder what happened. You would have options. You might call the management office and inquire about the issue and remind them of your agreement. You may find out they don’t honor verbal agreements or that in fact they will fix it. You might sue them if they don’t fix it. You may let it go. What you probably won’t do is go in denial and try to walk through the wall just because you think it shouldn’t be there, because it is. And yet, when it comes to less tangible realities we often do just that. Our should, oughts and musts can get in the way of us seeing what is, accepting what is or changing what is.
When we don’t accept this moment as it is, when we resist, we often tense against the moment and we get very upset and judgmental. Raising our blood pressure and stress hormones will not change the world other than to make us and those around us more unhappy and stressed. I’m not saying not to feel how you feel, I’m just suggesting you don’t make yourself suffer more by having unrealistic expectations.
Stop comparing everything to some imaginary ideal. It doesn’t exist. This moment, now, is reality. Reality is not what you think it “should” be. You are not ruler of the universe. You might prefer this moment to be different than it is, but whatever is appearing right now is a fact. If you think you live in a world where cars and computers always work, people are always kind and fair, and politicians and laws are just, you are not in touch with reality. It is fine to have preferences but it will not make you happy to have demands that the world be the way you prefer.
And, if you want to work on helping to change the world for the better, that’s great! Do it. Accept what is, then work toward change.
© 2018 Lisa Cottrell, LPC
Well Being Psychotherapy, LLC
Key words: Acceptance, Happiness, Peace, Well Being, Stress, Serenity
Before we can know what we can change, and what we can not, we have to know what is. Then we have to decide if we can change it. As the Serenity Prayer beseeches, “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Acceptance means knowing what is. It doesn’t mean we have to like it. Once we know how things are now, we then have to decide how much energy we want to expend railing against the way things are in this moment or were in the last moment.
For example, let’s say you are on the way to an appointment and there is a traffic jam on the highway. Your first reaction is likely to be feeling frustrated or angry because your goal of being on time is being blocked. So, in the moment after your initial conditioned reaction, you have a choice. You get to choose how to react to what is. You may try to see what you can change, so you look to see if you can make it to an exit to get out of the jam. But, you can’t. You then get to decide if you want to accept the aspects of the situation you can not change, such as the traffic or if you want to expend energy on non-acceptance, judgement and anger. You may want to rail against city traffic planners and other drivers. That isn’t going to be very effective in changing the situation of the moment, but it will raise your blood pressure and stress level. If you have a goal of being healthy and happy, that choice is counterproductive. You may want to work for better traffic management in the future.
Or, you could choose to change the one thing you always can control, your attitude. I want to share a real life example. I have lived in the Atlanta area for many years. Atlanta has a lot of heavy traffic and the interstates are used every day by commuters. One day, I was on my way somewhere and I got caught in a traffic jam. We were at a dead standstill. In years past, I have gotten angry and cursed, hitting the steering wheel at times like this. This particular time, however, I had been practicing mindfulness and acceptance. I looked to see if I could get off the highway. I could not. I happened to also be listening to a dharma talk by Zen Master Thich Nhat Hahn. So, I put my car in park and listened. Probably five minutes later, I laughed at something my teacher said on the recording. I then glanced over to the car next to me. The man in that car was clutching his wheel and scowling. I thought, “I’m glad I’m me right now!” I was practicing acceptance of the things I could not change.
I’ll give you another example of acceptance. Let’s say you rented an office and you told the building manager you wanted them to tear down a wall between two spaces. They agreed to do it. You got in the office and the wall was still there. You accept that the wall is there. You may not like that it is. You would likely feel frustrated and wonder what happened. You would have options. You might call the management office and inquire about the issue and remind them of your agreement. You may find out they don’t honor verbal agreements or that in fact they will fix it. You might sue them if they don’t fix it. You may let it go. What you probably won’t do is go in denial and try to walk through the wall just because you think it shouldn’t be there, because it is. And yet, when it comes to less tangible realities we often do just that. Our should, oughts and musts can get in the way of us seeing what is, accepting what is or changing what is.
When we don’t accept this moment as it is, when we resist, we often tense against the moment and we get very upset and judgmental. Raising our blood pressure and stress hormones will not change the world other than to make us and those around us more unhappy and stressed. I’m not saying not to feel how you feel, I’m just suggesting you don’t make yourself suffer more by having unrealistic expectations.
Stop comparing everything to some imaginary ideal. It doesn’t exist. This moment, now, is reality. Reality is not what you think it “should” be. You are not ruler of the universe. You might prefer this moment to be different than it is, but whatever is appearing right now is a fact. If you think you live in a world where cars and computers always work, people are always kind and fair, and politicians and laws are just, you are not in touch with reality. It is fine to have preferences but it will not make you happy to have demands that the world be the way you prefer.
And, if you want to work on helping to change the world for the better, that’s great! Do it. Accept what is, then work toward change.
© 2018 Lisa Cottrell, LPC
Well Being Psychotherapy, LLC
Key words: Acceptance, Happiness, Peace, Well Being, Stress, Serenity
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