Beloved human,
There are ways to be happier, more at ease. They take practice. Two helpful practices are acceptance and gaining perspective. Life is both wonderful and difficult. Life is full of 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows. Some suffering is inevitable. However, we often make ourselves unhappy by unconsciously demanding that life always be pleasant and that everything should happen the way we prefer.
My advice is to stop comparing every thing that happens to some imaginary ideal! A specific moment in time, and in that moment, an event that happens, can not be changed by judging, resisting and reacting to it.
We tend to keep judging every moment as “good” or “bad” based on what we want or prefer. We act as though we always know the best outcome. We then have positive or negative reactions based on our self-centered view. We need to remember that we often don’t actually know in the long run whether an event will be for the good or bad, helpful or unhelpful for ourselves or others. It is often both.
Most of us have an inner two year old that just wants what they want when they want it - and that’s NOW. We often make up elaborate stories about how terrible a situation is or will be. We suffer over not getting what we want. Of course, we prefer what we prefer, but our wise mind knows we aren’t always going to get it. We can choose to just acknowledge our wants as preferences and not make them conscious or unconscious demands.
When I first started practicing getting perspective on a situation that I was judging, I liked to kindly make a little fun of my entitled part by thinking to myself one of these two reminders: “Somebody around here should be damned and blamed, and it’s not me!” or, “Don’t they know I am Queen and Ruler of the Universe and they should do exactly what I want?” That made me laugh and helped me more gracefully accept disappointment and frustration. It also helped me have more humility.
A more helpful approach is to practice acceptance of the moment, say to ourselves “this belongs,” and soften our bodies and minds to it. This doesn’t mean we have to like it. It doesn’t mean we have to be passive or that we can’t try to change a future moment. By not accepting the moment, we are suffering over our suffering.
I also try to remind myself that everyone is carrying a lot of burdens and not to judge others. Life can be hard. As far as self-criticism, we can ask our self-critic their concerns or fears and see if those concerns are valid, but also remind our critic that criticism is rarely helpful. Self-criticism tends to trigger an inner ashamed part and reinforce distorted beliefs we learned in childhood. It can also trigger inner protectors that may use avoidance, self-medication, or depression to cope instead of healthier coping skills.
Our wise mind can bring a kind curiosity and respect for any of our self-critic’s concerns while sorting out any distorted thinking and unhelpful attitudes. We can learn to not let either the inner demanding two year old, the self-critic ,or the reactive protectors be in the driver’s seat of our heart-mind. In Internal Family Systems therapy, we learn to let the wise and compassionate Self be the leader of our internal parts. Let me know if you want to learn more.
Lisa
There are ways to be happier, more at ease. They take practice. Two helpful practices are acceptance and gaining perspective. Life is both wonderful and difficult. Life is full of 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows. Some suffering is inevitable. However, we often make ourselves unhappy by unconsciously demanding that life always be pleasant and that everything should happen the way we prefer.
My advice is to stop comparing every thing that happens to some imaginary ideal! A specific moment in time, and in that moment, an event that happens, can not be changed by judging, resisting and reacting to it.
We tend to keep judging every moment as “good” or “bad” based on what we want or prefer. We act as though we always know the best outcome. We then have positive or negative reactions based on our self-centered view. We need to remember that we often don’t actually know in the long run whether an event will be for the good or bad, helpful or unhelpful for ourselves or others. It is often both.
Most of us have an inner two year old that just wants what they want when they want it - and that’s NOW. We often make up elaborate stories about how terrible a situation is or will be. We suffer over not getting what we want. Of course, we prefer what we prefer, but our wise mind knows we aren’t always going to get it. We can choose to just acknowledge our wants as preferences and not make them conscious or unconscious demands.
When I first started practicing getting perspective on a situation that I was judging, I liked to kindly make a little fun of my entitled part by thinking to myself one of these two reminders: “Somebody around here should be damned and blamed, and it’s not me!” or, “Don’t they know I am Queen and Ruler of the Universe and they should do exactly what I want?” That made me laugh and helped me more gracefully accept disappointment and frustration. It also helped me have more humility.
A more helpful approach is to practice acceptance of the moment, say to ourselves “this belongs,” and soften our bodies and minds to it. This doesn’t mean we have to like it. It doesn’t mean we have to be passive or that we can’t try to change a future moment. By not accepting the moment, we are suffering over our suffering.
I also try to remind myself that everyone is carrying a lot of burdens and not to judge others. Life can be hard. As far as self-criticism, we can ask our self-critic their concerns or fears and see if those concerns are valid, but also remind our critic that criticism is rarely helpful. Self-criticism tends to trigger an inner ashamed part and reinforce distorted beliefs we learned in childhood. It can also trigger inner protectors that may use avoidance, self-medication, or depression to cope instead of healthier coping skills.
Our wise mind can bring a kind curiosity and respect for any of our self-critic’s concerns while sorting out any distorted thinking and unhelpful attitudes. We can learn to not let either the inner demanding two year old, the self-critic ,or the reactive protectors be in the driver’s seat of our heart-mind. In Internal Family Systems therapy, we learn to let the wise and compassionate Self be the leader of our internal parts. Let me know if you want to learn more.
Lisa